hey.

this is complicated. suddenly, the someone we all thought we knew. turns out to be the exact someone we pretended he never was. was it that we were both blinded by emotions, whether or not justified. if u set expectations too high, u only leave urself to be disappointed, and indeed, he was one to disappoint. i guess the fault can lie with him for not meetin them, or with us for not being realistic. he is just another guy. what makes him any more morally upright and decent than any other. its really showed me how we can all see things in a certain way, simply cos it makes so much logical sense and it all fits into place so perfectly u never have any reason to doubt any of it. yet, if u just twist it a slight bit, there's a whole new logic within the logic u dont originally see.

sometimes. people get to know each other. and they hit it off, call it sparks, chemistry, stupidity, whichever u like, we all generally know that feeling, some experience it more than others thats all. then when sparks start diminished, attraction starts fading, u find that the person aint anything that amazing afterall. yet another, predictable one. i dont like predictability in a guy. doesnt it make them dull? randomness is attractive. excitement is attractive. mystery is attractive. not keepable, but attractive.

u know this exchange thingy i'm going for, has really showed me and friggin turned on the spot light upon who really matter. yea there are people i speak to so so often. and there are others i meet once every three years (yes, dont doubt it, its YOU i'm talking about.) but the thing is, there's a compulsion to ask important people out and make sure i take a good look at them and have a nice chat with them before i spread my wings. and often, i realise they dont really fall into the first category of people i mentioned. surprising? i dont know. mel meets so much of the unexpected she doesnt quite know what to do with them anymore.

and i think my organisation is getting to me. i have this odd urge to mess something up. like totally fuck one thing up so bad that. i'm happy. haha yes i dont make any damn sense at all i know. to hell with logic i say. goodness. just last night i sat there, waiting for R to reply my texts as i had been all day and i randomly felt too at peace. (gf: all my inner peace thing is working obviously. and i hate it. screw peace *sets something on fire) yeap. so i felt too at peace, i felt sure something was wrong. i was really going mad inside of my head and i was so damn peaceful i was damn restless. but it was 4am on a thursday man. couldnt ring someone and declare ITS TIME FOR SUPPER. go get a lift down to east coast to run about in the breeze. i felt so trapped somehow. yes this entire paragraph wasnt logical. nevermind. btw, whoever u think R is, he's not.

one thing for sure. ive proven something to myself this week. i'm not ready. really. obviously. unfortunately.


*insert mood swing* okay not feeling so crappy now. lets talk about more happy incidents.

i dont know whats with my random spending. really. spent $150 on toiletries. $30 on random daiso items. all in about a day and a half. haha im amazing. convincing myself they are necessities. yes dear, the art of self-delusion. so anyway. i fell in love so many times in 3 days.

there's this beautiful pair of nine west high heels in satin hot pink. they are to die for and they dont kill ur feet much. i'm in love. but i'm poor.

i totally want a hot red lipstick. think Chanel Rouge Allure #60, think MAC A58. think Gwen S think Christina A. yea. that's the red i'm talking about. tried one today. but im wondering, if i wearing the boldest and more confident shade at 20, what the hell will i wear at 35? damn

i should be asleep right now, since there's lunch with paul and harddisk shopping w alvan. im really looking forward to tmr. its gona be great. i havent seen paul for awhile and he's awesome to talk to. he's funny and silly and i enjoy it. alvan. how can u not love alvan <3 then im having my swedish friends over for dinner at my place before heading out to double O. while its awfully exciting havin them around and all. its also tragically sad. cos this is for sure ur last meal together, the 3 of us. at least for a long time more. they fly on sunday, 6am.. and i wont see them both together for a long time. oh well.

have you ever had a convenient friend? someone u were only close to cos she happened to be there. when u needed her, she'd always be there. even when u brush her off or u treat her unkindly, she would always, always be there for u.

ever wondered what would happen when she realization smacked her on her head?


to L. thank you for your sense and maturity. for sure u're right, u cant approach someone the same way u did in the past when u guys were close now that ure not. i wonder what else u try to say with that. its not restoring we need, its rebuilding. u cant build a one way friendship. if its just one way. maybe its not worth the effort. im beginning to think it fricking isnt.

obviously, with a 1030 presentation, i should well be asleep by now, 530 am! but no, here i am.

so much has happened in 2 days. i met a girl. yes, this time its a girl. no, i'm not quite lesbian yet either. its complicated of cos, as it always does when i'm involved. i've learnt so much from her that has done so much for me. disgust, amazement, envy, anger, devastation, confusion, awkwardness. there was a certain release after conversing for so long with her. i saw L in a different light. maybe he ain't as awesome as we both believed he was. i look at him and i no longer see a model of perfection, i'm not as much blinded to his faults staring at me in the face.

so G, thank you.

A lucid dream is a dream in which the person is aware that they are dreaming while the dream is in progress, also known as a conscious dream. When the dreamer is lucid, they can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can be extremely real and vivid depending on a person's level of self-awareness during the lucid dream.

I was randomly revising for my exams, and just thinking about L as I so often do, then suddenly I wanted a certain something and just thought of closing my eyes again to look for him. It studdenly struck me so forcefully then, the reason why i'm often late for school. More than once, when the alarm rings, I wake and suddenly realise i've lost him. And there's this crazy irritated denial that turns off the alarm and sends me back to my lucid dreams to look for him. I'm good at controlling and remembering my dreams, so I always find him. I always find him waiting just where I got dragged out of the dream. I'm so happy doing what I've alwaus wanted that I forget about going to school. This has always existed somewhere in my little brain, I just never acknowledged it. Now I shall. I shall attempt to stop floating back into my dreams just to see and be with and love. Welcome back to earth and reality mel. Or better still, look forward to going to Milan. Remember your theory on distance vs closeness of the friendship? For all you know, you'll become best friends once you guys have a million miles between you :)

When my granny's show on TV played, I had my dinner while watching it. Suddenly, this actor appeared with a side profile that matched that of a particular asshole i've been unfortunate enough to meet and know. All of a sudden I was gripped with fear, the same fear from not so long ago. The same fear I felt sitting at the edge of the stairs. Sigh.

I seriously think this whole staying home on a saturday is so not for me. I'm your regular outdoor kid. The indoors bore me and the lack of sunshine dampens my feelings and makes it all gloomy and dull for me. I seem to have lost the will to smile and as my tears fall between sheets of Why We Work notes, I'm reminded that my day dreaming and lucid dreaming is really. really. stupid. But I thank the friends who've been around whether through calls or smses, especially those who've actually driven down or wanted to drive down to take me to supper or dinner or just to send donuts over. You guys make my day, remind me that i'm loved by all of you and challenge me to get over this skinny nut and move on with a big fat smile on my little face. Thank you

i cant keep going on this way. this random going nuts in my head. random outbursts take me nowhere. and they hurt poor didi.

gf said "mad season". i agree.

was with didi today and randomly burst into tears. alot of tears for a really long time. on the pretense of gettin something i sprinted to his door. just being by the door made me better. stopped crying, composed myself and walked back.

this is spastic. how is it that we were actually rather close when we were so far away. and now that we're practically neighbours the distance seems to have grown hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

jojo said to let go. i cannot live in the memories. whether wrong signals were sent, they were so long ago anyway. which is true, since gf said "if it were cos of you, you wouldnt be like that right now" so yes, suddenly it all makes sense.

when i gave u the pink flower, the note said to call when u were not angry and ready to talk to me again.

its been many weeks. its been nothing.

i know ure awfully happy and honeymoon mood, so maybe friendships ought to take a back seat. this is probably one thing didi n i alwys quarrelled about, how friendships dont take that back seat...

/ponders..

Goodness. when was the last time i wrote something here. apologies for the long random absence. its always this way when school begins aint it. the start of school and hall life as usual brings with it many secrets, scandals, gossips and rubbish. thank goodness i'm barely part of any of the above at all =D

had an awfully wonderful time this evening with my m&ms darling SUYIIIII. haha i m going to miss her like hell when she goes back to UK :( its really funny how this friendship works out. she's awfully guai, super smart mugger, moe scholar, generally quiet and rather shy, etc.. haha im quite far off on most accounts, yet we're really good friends and we always have such a good time hanging out together =D took about 50 photos in starbucks today and had a hell of a time laughin. jolly good fun <3

aft tt took a detour on my way home and met up with haoran. hung around w him near our places and just talked. found out he's a friggin genius. haha but he's a really sweet person and there is more to him than meets the eye. had a good time hanging out with him this evening too! x)!!

anyway while talking i pondered on attractions, crushes, love of lives, and the like. how this play of emotions keeps us going in circles, round after round after round. when will this carousel stop? how no one can notice a single person. yet someone else's everyday life revolves around her. he was a boy, she was a girl, can i make it anymore obvious. well said indeed. this whole lotta bore boils down to a miscalculated circling, a sad partnerless dance. good luck.

sometimes, we find ourselves just quietly talking to no one but ourselves.

Just as the sun unpurples the night,
I contemplate the mournful truth;
That the worst for rememberance is having once been forgotten.

- Deliver Us From Evil

gothic novel by Tom Holland

some things i've learnt this holidays and would like to randomly share...

1. dont be too quick to judge
we chose to judge based on rumours we hear or by a single side of a person we happen to see. dont. let judgement and conclusions come to you. you'll get the big picture.

2. dont fall too easily
its hell easy to fall in love when its the sweetest. instead, hold back, step back, rethink. its okay to let something pass you by. if he actually did, then maybe he just really isn't the one.

3. put effort into the smallest detail
the smallest detail says the biggest things.

4. make a difference in someone's life
stranger, friend, lover. the appreciation is well worth the effort, tears, drama, heartache.

5. make e effort to talk to old friends
you'll be surprised at how they've changed. and you will reflect on how you yourself have become. and you will think and understand so much more.

6. run in random international circles
broaden the horizon, open your mind, drop your discrimination, understand the differences, accept your peers (minus selected neighbours *coughporncoughh*). the little things will matter less.

7. be nice and sincere to ur teachers without hoping for anything in return
you will get a headstart in things u'd never expect and learn so much from the wise. opportunities will come to the deserving, and those who once criticised will bite their tongue.

8. BELIEVE IN KARMA
the asshole who took my phone will pay for his sin.twice.

9. drink, get drunk, but only do it during the holidays, generally (KIV)
you're only young once, you can only be THAT STUPID once. besides, school term is for mugging.

10. love yourself
look within yourself and take note of everything that you're blessed with, every detail that makes you beautiful. this is what others love you for. love yourself for having these qualities. dont look to others in envy and allowed the "green-eyed monster" to cloud your vision.

to everyone who's read my humble, naive learnings from this holidays, thank you.

its quite funny now that i think of it. the most frequent exchange between me n didi this hols must be

"he's going to fall for u..."
"i bloody hope not. males..."

i wish **** n i could go back to 2 wks before :( i'd never have gone to e mambo, and i'd never have let u fall.

sometimes its good to have friends we know we can turn to. friend who'd kick our ass and tell us we're being stupid or that we suck at drawing. though it may hurt hearing bad things about yourself sometimes, i guess deep down somewhere, we're glad they are that honest and we love them despite it all.

a very very important someone is going through a very very shitty patch. honey, when ure down there, e only way left to go is up. we'll all be in e climb up with you. i love you.

do your friends really know you? there're people i've known for sometime now, yet they judge u and criticise ur actions assuming they know it all and have seen it all. on one hand they are nice and they do care. yet on the other u dont even know if u can trust them. buddies that do crazy things and look out for one another but theres this odd mismatched feeling. i wish you knew how we felt about you despite the love.

i'm not perfect. i suppose i have a heap of bad habits. i sleep late. i drink. i club. i break hearts. i cant resist temptation. i use emotions. i bear grudges. i make use this face im born with and im not afraid to admit it. i criticise when someone's make up sucks. i am so not independent a person. i talk to myself in the mirror. the list goes on. but i guess we have 2 sides to each of us dont we? i honestly give a friggin big shit about the 90% of people out of the elite that few do. how many of you sitting out there criticising me and my way of life has bothered to stepped into the lives of the less fortunate and the misunderstood and the underachievers and made a difference? i have. and still am. it reminds me that i'm human and there's someone out there who needs you more than yourself. i'm loyal to my friends. i'd stick by them through it all, no matter what stupid things they do or what others say. thats y it hurts knowing some of you cant. its your character and your call. mine is just to accept and still love you. i know my priorities and study hard. its not mere chance that i dont mambo at all during school terms you know. i screwed accounting up and im determined to push my gpa back up starting next sem. i study hard to get what i want. it doesnt fall from the sky and batting lashes at a prof will not always get u that A, despite what some may think i do to secure mine. i dont spend excessively and stupidly. people claim i'm rich and figure i dont have any concepts on money and what its like to have none. i only have cash to spend because i'm big on saving. well, i'm good at saving and you are not. i can resist urges to spend extremely well while you cannot. you earn less and spend more. i dont spend. works out to me having more spare cash? i'd figure as much. i've good morals. those who know this bit, yes i'm talkin about ___. shant say more. been talkin to people our age, as well as people older, slightly older, much older. its all about stopping in your tracks and not lameting on e bad things u've been dealt with and learning to appreciate what you've been blessed with. thats one of the reasons i do what i do and i can. thats why alvan says only mel can be mel. the groundwork is still there for me. i could count so many blessings in your life, but could you? you think u've got a bad hand, well listen up honey, it could get a hell lot worse. yes i'm complaining and i'm screaming out at you in particular. do you understand me? dont ask. i'll never say its you. not yet at least. doesnt matter. lets all ponder about who we've become and where we're going.

today has been odd. i've been hit by random thoughts and emotions all day. woke up to many many texts askin if i'm okay. none from the right people. then didi texted just to send some love. that was awfully sweet and put a smile on my face :) alvan cancelled sentosa plans which was all too fortunate since i felt ill after last night's mambo. suddenly it struck. that he wasnt on e same island as me anymore and i teared a little. its stupid, since i knew from the start he was never meant to stay. i never planned to get any emotions involved. but as jas said, sometimes i dont know my own heart. had a nice chat with muddy. its m0re messed up for him than it is me, i wish u all the best dear muddy.

went online to find a facebook msg from him =) brought such a smile, till i read e contents. it was about saying goodbye and about how wonderful i was and how he would look me up first if he ever came to singapore. IF. also about how i should def. call him before anyone else should i head over to his part of the world.

knowing i'll never meet him again. ever. kinda sucks.

went out with alvan after than for dinner =) thank you for coming all e way to my place to pick me up :) my mood wasnt e best and he said i looked ready to kill. haha had dinner and slacked and i felt better =) went to cine to get tickets. then i headed off to meet jasmine! i always look forward to meetin her! we may not speak everyday and stuff but when we do, i honestly dont keep anything from her. there's this trust and openness to our friendship. yeap. she's really someone i treasure a hell lot. probably one of my closest friends from dunman days. pity we both dont really play alot of basketball anymore. mayb one day we shall.. if tiffany comes back from aussie.... ...... (daydreaming..)

after that, went for a movie with alvan and jason. caught Wanted. starring angelina jolie. freak. she is REALLY. hot. haha. i suddenly thought of what i said to alvan when i came out of the toilet without my vest. quite funny.

slacked around and headed home. called paul for a possible supper. ihave this feeling he's stil angry w me :(

somehow i've gotten sick of planning. i usually have my entire week planned by e wed beefore. but its friday now and i havent written anythhing on my schedule. i'mjust too lazy too i guess. and i dont feel like doing anything. town's gotten boring. there isnt a movie i want to catch that i havent. and when someone asks "how have u been" i know i'm lying by saying "oh perfectly well.." also if the right people ask the same question i might just need a big hug and i'll burst into tears. god knows whats wrong with me

The 11th International Conference on Work Values and Behavior

i shall update loads on e event when i'm free.. for now, THIS is why it was a blast

he is by far the most handsome guy i have ever met. wow.

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
No!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be apart of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....

You'll always be apart of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

Always be my baby




no prizes of who i have on my mind right now. who i just quarreled with. who i just had an emotional heart to heart talk with. you'll always be a part of me. i'm part of you indefinitely.

ive been single for 5 weeks and 9 days. thats how long my schedule has been packed full to the brim with outings and meetups and stuff with friends from as far back as 7 years ago. after almost 40 people in this span of a month+. i'm left wondering, is this what singlehood's about?

this random misery that hits me at night when i'm alone and the world is asleep. suddenly i dont know who to turn to and who to text or who to call. cos its meaningless to text the guy i've been texting all week, cos by e end of next wk he'd be nothing anyway. is singlehood kinda like a cycle? the whole enlightenment, then the liberation, and the all-time-low. i dont get it

i know, then u ask how about ___. well. the frequency's wrong. really. kahei said the poor boy looks slow. hot as hell yea, but really. all brawn no brain isnt as appealing from where i'm standing now. of cos we have mr.evergreen. tall dark handsome as well. honestly after them both, i hereby conclude im not fated in the right ways with tall dark handsome people. short fair ugly anyone? =/ mr evergreen has declared a more than friends thingy. cool, except i havent mentioned e part whereby randomly making out with other people in a club are allowed so long as the other party doesnt find out. screwed up morals? totally. (comin from me, u'd better believe it)

im seriously considerin going maleless for awhile. mayb half a week, then extend to one week, and mayb one and a half.. and before u know it, i'd be a nun. oh wait. i'm suppose to give adr a shot before i enter nunhood. ugh. males. sigh.

i went out with matthias today. he may be old, but he's absolutely funky and loads of fun. i love hanging out with him! met jojo and walked around and laughed ALOT. it was lovely :) blablabla jojo met sean. god those 2 look lovely together. they look so, right. was this the way bestie and i looked while we were in love? when they looked at each other, there really was this tenderness and this sweetness, and when they held hands, u could really feel how much he loved her. i remember this feeling, not so long ago. the silly sweetness and smiles. its gorgeous, constantly having someone there for you, with you, there for you, no matter what you do or choose. sigh.

right now, sijian is probably e only idiot who could make me wake up at 10am to go to yishun with him to look for lunch and walk about like children. you asshole. cant you see the effect you have on me. mel does not lose control when a male is involved. she doesnt. but she is. she's once again willing to go against logic and common sense. knowing its a dead end yet still skippin down e path. knowing u'll hurt her again and again, u'll disappoint for sure. and u did, u have. AGAIN. its okay, one day she will give up and she will walk away without looking back. cos thats just the way she is. one day its thre the next its over. thank god u are rather strong girl. hang in there.

on a brighter note, i am PRAYING. someone says yes tomorrow. then hall life will be. different. OH EM GEE. i shant say more but AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ask me in private ;)

hello! its awfully late but i randomly feel like writing something. today's been absolutely marvelous! i just got home not too long ago actually.

ive been so used to spending my days hanging out in town or doing mindless shopping this holidays. so today was a great change! e first part of the day was spent with benjamin! ha i told him i didnt wana hit town! so he asked, "do u like to eat ice cream?" haha of cos i do! so we ended up going to serangoon, taking the train all the way to newton, changing a bus to bukittimah, and walkin to island creamery for yummy icecream!! hah they really have alot of cute flavours! i never knew ben had such an appetite for icecream! we had - horlicks, nutella, mango, apple pie! w chocoballs and m&ms :) i was bloated by e time we were 80% done! haha but he wanted more and ordered - burnt caramel and cookies&cream! haha then we just sat there and talked and laughed and basically had a lot of fun. it was really interesting a way to spend a day. in a corner of town i wouldnt meet anyone i know (well almost no one), and just chillin with a fun someone :) after that we walked down BT road and just talked about everything and anything, giggling like little girls but feeling so happy indeed =) we took a long bus ride down to bugis to meet zhu! heh. ben's alwys a fun person to hang out with. since sydney days he's never been a dull one, from racing to lampposts in sydney, to adventures in a park past midnight, to randomly taking pictures of birds, to doing totally randoms with donuts, and to my first icecream outing. totally sweet =)!

after that met up w peikun in town! ha got dinner and read this odd mag called Beauty Blackbook while he did 15min of indoor tannning. i think i'm a lousy scardey cat. but i am so not going into that machine and closing the lid on myself. goodness. the feeling is terrible. haha he's rather silly really, cos he was afraid of havin me wait alone outside the room, he asked if i was allowed to go in and sit on e couch to chat while he tanned. the guy gave him this odd look and said something about having to totally undress which made us go like "OH... right..." so i sat outside... caught kungfu panda after that!!! omg its hilarious. its SO.CUTE. really. thou e plot was rather simple and it was kinda short i'd feel. expected more actually. i dont think it deserves the 4 stars so many people award it cos the pace was wrong. e climax was too sudden and not intense enough and the show ended too quickly imo! oh well. after that we walked from cine, to far east. and from far east back to cine's youth park. i swear we're totally retarded. haha sat at the youth park and had supper till about 3am! so we spent about 4 hours just talking and talking. i find myself being able to share with him alot that i usually dont. whether its because i'm uncomfortable with others or shy. there's this odd trust that i'm not sure where to place. we discussed everything from love to life to family to futures. the long long chat was really enjoyable. changed my opinion of the guy a great deal, for the better. but our frequencies are still a little off and he still has trouble makin out what im sayin sometimes!

had a super mini row with didi while at supper. sigh. how did a 2min conversation go so bad. somehow, it makes me wonder, what if..

anyway there's silosohotbod tmr. promised to go support peikun! since he's wearing one of my silver bangles for luck (gay as it may look) haha. THANK YOU SMALL for going with me and not pangsehing! <3

my dear, i know u read this, and this is quite retarded. but i'm only writing HERE on my blog, because i tried commentin on urs EIGHT times at least, but got rejected cos i cant read the security feature code thing. what am i, a robot?! anyway. here's the comment love,


"darling, sieze the moment, sieze the day. dont live to regret it.. it hurts to see u cry over the same thing u did 3 months ago and see u still stand in the same box not daring to hop out. call me. ANYTIME. this is 4.41am.

love ya.


ps. i just got rejected twice,four six times by ur security code to fake the computer. i suspect i am a robot."


THERE YOU GO.


ive been thinkin about you and... is it worth holding back and holding on, knowing it might one day be a regret. i know how hard it is to open up and say things u never (usually takes a little alcohol to help, but can be without). i've done ridiculous things in my younger days and really, any other fool in my shoes wouldnt. but i look back now and i'm thank e heavens i did. hell we all know nothing materialised. but i'm glad i did.

may u look back 20 years from now and not swear and wish you did too.

mellovesyou.

haaha okay this is rather lame. i'm talkin to zhu online, and somehow it got onto childhood heros and who u wanted to be! he wanted to be this stormtrooper and i'd rather be a mermaid! so the convo ended with..

-zhu- life can throw some really random stuff at you at times... says:
may the force be with u
melissa is enlightened says:
may u blow many bubbles
-zhu- life can throw some really random stuff at you at times... says:
i hope bubbles is not a guy

im just oddly amused. dont mind me! lookin forward to meetin steph, eggy & jasmine tmr!! =) long time old friends!

hey! just got back from a lovely evening!! =) i met Paul! this guy i knew existed in primary school but never ever spoke to till goodness know when! its the first time i'm really meeting him and speakin to him in person, after loads of msn chats and i'm happy.

he's really grown to be a really cool person, with maturity way beyond his years. we may all be about 20, but he seems alot older and wiser. and conversations are interesting and funny =)

i didnt have high high expectations on the evening really, thought it would be just a dinner, but dinner lead on to a walk from town to raffles city to a drink at the loof and a really enjoyable time till 1+ =) it was pretty awesome! its been awhile since i had a realy proper conversation with someone like that. hell,i cant recall when i last had something like this. probably when tong was last back or something (yes, comparison with tong, paul must have impressed.) haha.

looking forward to another dinner with him, pity my schedule's already packed.

in case ure wonderin, he is NOT next on the list. he's just. a. friend.




oh another note, mambo anyone? think i'm gg w sijian, thats to be confirmed :/

i have been bloggin alot it seems, means i'm always at home.

this whole singlehood thing is going well i think, following my late night enlightenmet! kahei came over today to chill and watch moviee! we surfed facebook and laughed and ogled and wailed for e H-O-T gay. hahah then watched dreamgirls and amazed ourselves with their voices and songs! it feels good just sitting around w a friend watchin a show w/o a care in e world (almost). decided to be a little more FIT after that and went jogging! the first 10 min were fantastic! i was impressed by how totally energetic i felt, then 15-20 min were...erm... a little more challenging.. and 20-30th min were like "come on mel..jog till pk replies..come on mel..jog till sj replies.." then text while jogging which makes time pass faster! i'm good at self deception. haha. anyway! opposite my estate, is the old cemetry which is excellent to jog cos of its purity, really, east coast park has too many people, and skate shops, and drink stalls and dogs and what not. here, its really long overgrown grass on broken paths and pebbles and stones around. its really pretty and u feel different jogging there. :) jogged up this TINY. hill and looked around at a pretty blue sky and green grass. i felt really, free. it suddenly hit me, that this was e beauty of single life, the easy day with a girlfriend, and the random jogging u do alone, and lookin forward to dinner with an old old friend. this is what singlehood is about, and its not that bad! wheet. enlightenment part 2!

went to the gym afterward and realised "OHMYGOD I HAVE A HOT NEIGHBOUR". no i did not do anything to him. really! haha but he does have a RATHER hot bod. haha. did some gyming and tried to ignore one of those disgusting taiwanese variety shows wad bai wad bai wad bian thingy. w e squealing taiwanese voices. gawd. save. me. when e girl left i rushed to switch it off. ugh. didnt even understand what all e squealing meant. foreign languages. gosh :/ while doin gym i got a call. sigh. daddy. he called from brunei. and somehow, he knows i didnt do well. i didnt tell him, nor mummy, nor is it on facebook right? but he called, saying i should study hard this holidays (when i dont even know my next modules..) and i should understand the importance of a good education. and he knows my results could be better :( all when he might not even know how i actually did. he asks me not to look for a tiring job so i can study abit. sigh. wait till he finds out i lost my potential first class. he'll shoot through the roof. sigh second upper is not THAT bad is it :( i suppose when there's first class, second upper is bad. sijian tried consoling me that its not that bad. but he's got a bucket full of As, i could hear in his voice that he knew he'd be devastated with anything less than perfect scores or so. sigh.

okay i'm off to bathe and look pretty b4 i go for dinner w paul! have fun people!!

hello!

waiting for updates on dbl o? haha what happens in a club stays in a club. or so they say.. i've long figured it so doesnt work that way. humans can screw it up before, in, and after a clubbin event! yesterday was a night of birthdays, tonnes of shots and drinks, hot people around, drunk people around, making out, smoke all over the place.. ... it was pretty wild a night.

met jon n valla for dinner at central b4 deciding to walk all e way to dbl o (which isnt THAT far if uve got good company) :) haa we reached at friggin 8.30 to wait for the girls. goodness. 8.30 =/ i was hoping for someone to arrive, just hoping.. then i say this big group of guys coming and being able to recognise half of them, i got a little happy hopin he might just be there. but nope, bugger was late as usual.. when he showed up, i was rathherrr happy, but he just randomly waved in our general direction and walked off. okay........... i was hurt, i admit. small got him over and we had a little private convo which went

"wei small says ure gona cry"
"cry over u. worth it not?"
"i think so.."
"well actually no........."
"so ure not crying right?"
"no"
"u'll be okay right?"
"yea i will"
"okay la then u take care k i see u later i go first"
"k. bye"

SIGH. then after we all went in the bugger just left for another club w/o even saying byebye to me. so he was declared asshole by e gang + jon n valla! ITS OKAY... i have my girls! jevon arrived after that and we played pool =) haha im so glad didi taught me pool when i was much younger! i may not be as good as the guys but i can hold my own. and i beat this rather hot friend of jon's. (pk he shall be called) heh. ;)

then i got a call!! and i rushed outside w kahei's cake to meet rayner =) i think he's awfully awfully sweet a person, to come all e way down to dbl O just to wish her happy bday and sing her a bday song. awfully sweet! e girls told her mel had this ultra hot guy to show her so they dragged her out of the club to search for e cute guy! haha then we surpised her with cute guy rayner + his friend alexis and a cake =) hope u liked ur surprise girl! one of the few sydney surprise that worked. goodness. pity jasmine n mich wasnt around!! haha.

not long after, we went to take shots and have some fun. wheet 3? 4? shots later.. haha yea... .... but we had loads of fun and hit e dance floor. THEN. what happens in a club stays in a club yea....... =x i hope the visuals will keep it that way (AHEM SMALL, VAL, BRYANT, JIE LUN, ur cameras... private only please...) i have this feeling i'm gona get blackmailed.

went out to meet sijian a little later. got burnt on my neck by his cig. i told him i hate it when he smokes, now i've got a blister and a mark to prove my point. heartbroken alr. i hate cigs. i hate cigs. he was being an asshole, so pk dragged me back in and declared he's not worth it. we had our fun and another shot and played silly games at the bar and i found another who's tongue can touch his nose!! COOL! but i can touch my elbow w my tongue and he cant!! small wonders how we ended up discussing such stuff at e bar. hahaha.. we had our fair share of fun last night. i lost all e girls after that! think we were all too far gone to remmeber where each other had gone.

went out for e 2nd or 3rd time to meet sijian. and found him totally wasted on e floor outside w e rafflesians. i dno what on earth we said or what i screamed at him. but he was a mess. i only remember bits and pieces, like alvin (his gay) sayin we shd remain as friends. and some others telling me he's not worth it even thou thye're buddies. RIGHT. that sets my path quite straight i guess, since both his friends and mine agree on one thing at least.

i upset someone last night. and i'm really sorry about it. its been a year dear friend. i never knew. i'm sorry pk n i upset u. i'm really sorry. sigh.

i just spent an hour talking to myself. actually one and a half. looking in the mirror doing hair and make up tlaking to myself. reminding me i deserve better. and 5 disappointing males in one week isnt much, and that it could have been worse.

i just found out a very very saddening piece of news. i think if someone's attached. it should be declared from the start. so poor souls like me wouldnt be moved and wouldnt be attracted and wouldnt be upsetted. then again i suppose its my fault for being moved too easily. TELETUBBY i'm talking abt the guy from. YAR... he's got a gf. sniff. and he texted last night. and this mornn.. and this afternoon his friend told me. SIGH, been comin up with all sorts of logical explanation on what his exact words and whether the girl in the statement didnt mean gf. but it was a little hard to pretend otherwise.ugh. and i m surprisingly feeling hurt. usually mel will just yell and make some noise and to hell with another. crush. haha this time i am a litttle hurt. saddddd...

and someone's not gona be able to make it to dbl o later. disappointed indeed. was looking forward to seeing him, alot. to maybe take my mind of mr bday boy who will be there. sigh. its okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

last night sittin on my bed at 5am, i felt this suddenly. lifting o spirits.. all along at times like that (5am after reading a storybook), i feel the compelling urge to text didi or someone to say something, generally the male i'm seeing. just to say something. but last night. that need to text was only short-lived and suddenly it lifted off me. really, i felt lighter and happy and i was smiling and almost crying w the sheer intensity of it. haha yes i know being single has make me a like wonky. bah..ah gong says its midnight highness. hahaha, but in e end i texted gerald to tell him _________ and got a rather interesting reply the next morning. haha ;)

okay. single mel is off to meet the best friend. then to meet the sydney ppl and have a hell of a time. single hot men in dbl o beware !

its his birthday, and he just called to cancel out lunch appointment cos its kinda late. when there was no agreement on time the night before. yeap. disappointment, again..

its okay. i will go to double O tonight with the ladies and the hot guys and have loads of fun getttin high and dancing the night away! ignoring the fact that he'll be gettin himself pissed drunk a couple of tables away. we'll have 3 hot guys and i wont need him. yeap... see ya all at dbl O :)

im very close to giving up.

the stages of progression are wrong.

mel doesnt bank on crushes. if she's gona let the crush grow, she's gotta know its worth it.

mel has to be THE ONLY ONE. if she feels like just another girl. she will jolly well walk away.

mel gets over guys in 3 days. she's only holding back the start of the 3 days cos she stll thinks there might be a chance.

does the idiot get it?

NOPE.


note to self: DO NOT, under any circumstances (eg, alcohol influence, raging hormones, pure stupidity....) date evergreens =)

Hello! i'm back from a weekend of fun in Pulau Dayang! e diving was really an experience =) first time diving without my daddy. honestly i'm such a daddy's girl. but this trip has taught me to be alot more independent thats for sure! its not been an easy journey for me i'd admit, being co-organiser w erikson. i'm quite retarded honestly and i think i did hinder him a little more than aid. only JUST. after the whole trip, did i open hotmail and see the MANY MANY emails about the trip that have been sent. shit. and really. i need to work on counting, i can feel e area u use to count in e brain just shrinking. gettin figures isnt as easy as it used to be! ugh

anyway, assisted the dive instructor Desmond in leadin the open water team. they really are not bad open water students and performed well =) slight gliches here and there but on e whole they're a cool bunch =) guess u learn alot following the open water students. and it places this certain responsibility on u. see, for my past 100+ dives, i was nv responsible for anyone. daddy alwys looked out for me, i just swam along. so i take or granted things like keeping a lookout for the leader, or conrolling buoyancy properly cos it comes naturally for me now. but after being with the students, u realise that ure and example, and it makes u watch ur underwater actions more. the single dive i did with the leisure guys was bloody different. the bunch was pretty wild and harder to keep an eye on cos they kept disappearing all over the place. highlights revolve round the damn triggerfishes! one attacted Desmond and scratched his hand pretty badly, RATHER. SCARY. the other triggerfish exp. was when it attacked the leisure dive group. i saw a triggerfish and kinda panicked cos it was e same species that came after me when i was little. it tried to attact the other instructor but didn't do any damage, thank goodness. there was a leisure grp guy i pulled back and asked to stay back cos e triggerfish was pissed and it was dangerous. that funny chap, tried to show that he could fight the fish, so he pulled out a SPOON. yes, he yanked a bloody SPOON out and held it out to me. situational joke, but i'd never laughed that much underwater before.

oh well. i dno what to say about the trip. wish i had visuals to show, but they are in everyone else's cameras! haha when i get them all, or look on facebook =D haha alot of private thoughts and ideas im having now, dont know if they're all good. thought about issues i had on my mind before going for e trip, then ideas that formed during the trip, now i'm thinking about whats going on now. haha confusing right. well, mel's invovled, what would be expected.. we'll see how it goes after the outing..

met teletubby for dinner today, officially my favourite potongpasir friend seriously. talked about stuff, and yes, mel falls too easily =/

Let me do some seemingly random rambling. I was pondering the state of evergreens. The innocence they seem to have which I will never figure even if my life should depend on it. The extreme shyness that seems to be packaged along with it baffles me. However meet the hybrid evergreens. The stated evergreens that have gone where no proper true evergreen has ever gone. This lot are the new generation grown experienced from increased alcoholic influence. Essentially, they still don’t know how to take care of a girl the way a girl deserves to be loved. And I was pondering on friendship. When friends cross the lines to become more, can you ever take a step back and keep the friendship? Chole e other intern, says the moment you cross the line you’re screwed. You will never look at your friend the same way again. He will not be friend X, but friend who’s interested, or friend you’ve kissed, or friend you’ve held, or friend you’ve ____. Yea, she says it’ll never be the same again. I wondered and realized I don’t agree. If you cant be normal friends with a guy you’ve dated/kissed, I’d be kinda short of friends right now. I think a friendship shouldn’t be thrown away just cos the guy stupidly fell for u, or u guys got drunk enough to make out. I suppose I believe friendships should be strong enough to withstand such shit humans get themselves into.

OKAY that’s all. I shall stop before I give the show away ;) celebrated teletubby’s birthday yesterday. Lucky boy, jean surprised him at dinner, jas surprised him with a cake and Brandon, just surprised him. Haha. There was supposed to be a kiss (by mel’s declaration…) which did not happen. After the absolute random meeting of random people, Brandon drove this Kongwei guy and I off to zouk. Did I mention I love his car? It’s a pretty red car =) don’t ask me what e hell it is. Its got 4 wheels and 4 doors. I just like it cos its red and rather small. Quite a sexy car I should think. We both went there with a common agenda of meeting someone. Kongwei just played supporting player. Was supposed to meet the divers but I was so late they ended up walking from Zouk to like Tanglin to stone while waiting for me =x made me feel awfully bad. Well I was feeling a little down, cos I looked forward to seeing someone who decided at the very last minute not to show up. I admit I was rather down  so I decided to go and meet hot handsome people and have a hell of a time. AND, as I wandered round e club w e 2 guys, checking out the crowd and such, this familiar frame loomed in front of me. I wasn’t hoping for much so didn’t really notice him, until he stopped in front of me and … … I swear I was close to tears  the disappointment and dashed hopes went out the window and this odd extreme happiness took over. Been awhile since I felt such random intense delight. He said he wasn’t coming! It was the sweetest surprise I’d had in a friggin long time. In fact, I cant remember when I last felt this. But happiness was short-lived. Yeap.. EVERGREENS. Ugh, this I will rant in private. Angry. So yea, went walking with the guys a little more and randomly decided to drink. Mel, knowing she couldn’t drink, SHARED one cup with Brandon. Talk about self control =) but he drank so slowly she got bored and downed the cup for him. Walked around, slacked around and went for supper. Bumped into him along the way  and his bloody, bloody, cute friend. Haha sweet. Back in e club, got disappointed time and time again. Gave up on e insensitive ass and went to look for my diving buddies. Haha divers are crazy. Totally insane. Haha which also means loads of fun and retarded highness! I had fun till I got a text saying he was heading outside for awhile. Went to look for him…disappointing. Then we all went to dance and get high again haha. After exhausting ourselves, headed outside to get some air. AND, I got disappointed again, and again. Another private story for the ears of the deserving only. SIGH. Males. I don’t get it. So I decided, “okay fine. We’re both not seriously bout each other then, this shall really be a fling. Have fun then screw it la!” but no, e chap went all emo and decided to have a HTHT and try to iron things out between us. Absolutely neglecting ignorant of my disappointment. Seriously, he was faking it. He REALLY didn’t know (that is why I don’t date evergreens.ugh) so I explained it to him (yes I know I’m NEVER that kind, but this time I actually tried). But did he get it? NO. did he repeat the exact same mistake? YES. At that point, I was really. Okay I don’t know how to describe it but hell, it wasn’t nice. The most infuriating thing was I knew he didn’t mean it. He wasn’t being a jerk, he was being, innocent! I don’t know how else to put it. Ugh. Its okay…

We will talk about it tomorrow then make a call. Then I’ll leave and go diving, taking whatever big decision we make along with me 

I’ve no net, so I wont be able to blog or msn or facebook for goodness knows how long till I go to didi’s house to use his computer. My best friend’s e best really. Haha =)

Hello.

For those who’ve been trying to hang out. Here’s your chance. I’m gonna be officially free. Yeap, you guessed it. Mel got fired again  who e hell gets fired from an internship. But I guess this call is only appropriate. I decided that the company and myself was better off if I left and I came to terms with it pretty quickly. No I didn’t do anything retarded or wrong this time. It’s a mere incompatibility of personality and job scope. I’m not on school intern so technically I don’t have to stay and they don’t have to keep me since its no contractual thingy. Yeap. They say I don’t learn the way they need me too and I think differently and stuff like that. I work in a different style. My manager thinks I’m more suited for like Customer Relations and HR compared to Media and Journalism related work. I suppose she’s right. I often feel pretty loss in this office. Like I’m just doing what I’m told without much thought or anything going on. Not really right now that I think about. Since I’m getting peanuts, and its not compulsory and I’m not really benefiting, its better to cut my losses.

Haha my friend’s reaction was hilarious, she went like “what the fucking fuck? Fuck no!” Haha think she’ll have no more friend to confide in and lunch with now that I’m leaving. The IT support guy that’s become my email buddy’s down too. We agreed its quite cool to have an email buddy, like a new generation of penpal thing. Haha interesting but its coming to an end! Poor Shane 

Depressed mel was contemplating not going out after all and going home to sulk and brood over my loss. But decided not to be mean and pangseh sijian again. After all, we were gona watch the movie with the hot takeshi! =D so I went. BUTTTT!!! The movie was sold out everywhere!! On a friggin Monday no less! We walked from cine to ps to Cathay and back to ps and round and round before sitting under a random tent to chat. Haha funny person. Trying to con him to go mambo on wed now! =x for the records, I’m still single. (SMALL, ur boobs are at stake…. Its been TWO weeks)

Oh ya. And if any one has any form of job openings or hear of any one else looking for (short) girls to do normal temp jobs such as road shows, or really just standing there looking pretty, do let me know. I’m open to most kinda jobs like these as long as they don’t require me to sell tiger beer or something (thou German beer in a cute skirt and high boots is fine.. ;) ) haha! Let me know if any one has openings basically!!! I’m jobless and its time to drop e friggin decent shit I’ve been donning all month. That’s about the biggest HURRAY I have. Other than no more waking at 7.30 =/

And for those who know him, TODAY, 27th May 2008 IS TELETUBBY’S 21ST. HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD MAN!!! Thanks for the 7 long years u’ve been a great friend to me =D now ure old and ancient, I will be super nice to you too! See ya in NTU you engineer!! =D

20th May 2008, Tuesday

Less posts obviously indicate an increase in workload. Haha e weekend was fabulous! =D on sat met jean and jo then surprised jo with the rest of the 2J guys =D its so funny that after so many years the guys haven’t changed one bit! They’re still the whacking comical bunch they were. Took loads of pictures and had fun in the sun before heading to vivo for dinner =) haha it was a sweet event really, sitting around reminiscing the good ol’ days when we could do shit and no one cared. And how hilarious MEP days with Mdm Ong were. Unforgettable =)

Sunday. OMG SUNDAY! Horrid sijian suddenly couldn’t go blading with me and wonks couldn’t go swimming with me either  SO. Brave mel, determined to conquer singlehood, decided to go tanning and swimming, ALONE. Courageous? Brave? I know =) haha. But brave as I may be, it didn’t go THAT well. Within a few laps I was swinging terribly! Guess I’m not that used to singlehood afterall..

Monday was mahjong w Sydney gang, val fran and small =) haha fran and the lucky bucket! Nonsense I somehow managed to set my fingernail on fire.. tragic! Franny baby had to leave soon after so I got alvan to come along and he brought gary n jean along too! Haha it was amusing watching the groups click, or make an attempt too. Haha nothing exceptional happened. After that cabbed off w Alvan to go meet sijian for dinner! Haha nuren’s retarded. But he was gona book in so he had to fly off early  so I went off again to meet didi to have a chat =) its always a really warm, sweet feeling to chat with someone who knows you inside out. He finishes my sentences and reads the things I don’t say and feels the emotions I try to keep hidden. Besties for life, seriously =D haha. Now that I’m typing it I suddenly feel as though my day was super super long and I met a heap load of special friends =D more to come!

Hey! Goodness, this is hilariously difficult. See every morning, we’ve gotta scan the global arena for news pertaining to our industry, competitors, and those who are kind enough to mention our company in their print. This morning, among the pile that was thrown on my table was “LIAN HE ZHAO BAO”. Yes, I’m impressed myself that I could read the name, nothing much else unfortunately. I barely managed to finish scanning the first page, since I could only base the content of the articles on the pictures and illustrations which barely gave away much (since I couldn’t read the caption below the picture). So yes, I was stressed beyond anything! Chloe wasn’t much help since essentially she’s as bloody ang-moh pai as me! Ah ok what am I rattling about, I’m not here to talk about this.

Suddenly, randomly, swee and I broke up last night. Gf says it may be expected, but certainly not then and in that way. I’d probably expect, over the next few weeks or even next sem, the poor boy’s gonna get all the “I told u so”s about how he were merely a fling. Irritating as it may be for me, let me clarify; flings don’t make it to the status of boyfriend. BUT not making it to the status of boyfriend doesn’t make someone a fling either. Its not THAT hard to understand really. It was painful. Partly cos it was so sudden and unexpected, like one day we were close and alright and suddenly its over. Its still no quite sunk in yet. And I get random bursts of hurt  sigh but I suppose it was a short relationship so I’ll get over it quickly. I’m not heartless. I just fall in love fast and get out of it just as quickly. I shan’t talk about it here to respect both him and myself but swee’s an absolutely wonderful guy. Although he may be a male version of Mel which generally makes him emo and retarded and random and illogical at times, there’s this sweetness and thoughtfulness that was just beginning to grow. Honestly, its an absolute pity we weren’t together long enough for me to really enjoy all that. Bah. Pity. Ok I’m going to cry….

ANYWAY, that aside, I was awfully upset when I got home yesterday so I rang best friend. Then I rang gf too! My HORRID gf was laughing at me L see, I discovered something that’s very alarming to me. And its awfully tragic I should think? After this breakup, Mel is left at a point of malelessness. There’s a difference in being single and being maleless. Now of course I don’t expect everyone to fully understand and appreciate the supposed bull I’m sprouting, but single, means not being attached. Whereas malelessness is a situation I recently found myself in, in which I’ve absolutely no significant male in my life. Be it, involvement or boyfriend or anything (my best friend doesn’t count since we no longer have any feelings for each other, and in case you’re wondering, getting back together isn’t even something we vaguely worked our brain cells on at all). Yeap. How e hell do you survive malelessness? Its nothing at all to most people. My gf’s been that all her life until THE PIG popped out one fine day and decided to love her and bully her gf (UGHHH). But Mel, nono, Mel has never been maleless. It started in sec 1, there was one close male friend, then after him, there was another, and another, and yet another!!! All the way from as far as I can remember, there’s been someone. Hell! I was even almost dating in primary school for that matter. Today, looking at it now, I’ve a heap of male friends of course, but no one I’m seeing or anything. Actually, I’m rather proud of myself! Mel without a male? Impressive. But the world ain’t a nice fat chocolate cake obviously, malelessness is misery inducing. Suddenly I sit at home and wonder. OMG who do I call before going to bed tonight? Who’s text am I going to be expecting tomorrow morning when I wake up. Which nice guy is going to give me my wake up call! So I asked gf, what do you do when you’ve nothing to do and you’re rotting on the bus? Who do u text? And she said…. No one? Normal answer to everyone, but unimaginable for me. How do the truly single do it? I mean, seemingly endless bus rides? With no one to text? Reaching home at 9pm without any one to talk to over the phone till u sleep at 1am? Suddenly, I’m flung into this deep mysterious world of singlehood and malelessness. And this new territory scares me. I’ve no idea how to be one how to act like one how to think like one. I asked gf, what are u doing on Sunday. She said “no plans?” NO PLANS?? Okay…the thought of a day with nothing to do scares e shit out of me. I was a nervous wreck the last time that happened.

Sigh update more tomorrow if im free in office. Going shopping with my mom later before meeting sijian to catch a movie =)!

Rather ironic isn’t it, how the most free time I have to surf facebook and blog is at work! Haha I haven’t fully understood the Monday blues thing but people do seem to be a little grouchier on Mondays! However I’m absolutely bored. Been sitting at my desk doing nothing much whatsoever since the moment I stepped in today. Would much rather lie asleep in my bed, having scenes which could only be dreams and not more. =x

Yay! I found lunch buddies! Mak and Daniel (hussain) are working over at Novena! Which is a mere 2 min train ride away and my office is about 40seconds walk away from the mrt station! Coolness, no more office politics during lunch hours for me 

Let me update about Saturday! It was planned to be a very perfect birthday celebration for jasmine <3 at sentosa with the sun sea sand (hunks… …) BUT. The weather had to blow it. Well many thanks to jon who was sweet enough to drive down from boon lay to pick me up before heading off to vivo! Met small and jas and we went for lunch before deliberating whether or not to go ahead with out sentosa plan. Decided against it. Now what’s Sydney outing without some drama. Haha think two little girls running around Vivocity (in bikinis under dresses no less), looking frantically around, FOR CANDLES. Haha proudly presenting big and small =x haha managed to get the candles which we concealed in ample cleavage *coughcough* I bought jas a nice oreo cheesecake at starbucks and attempted the hilarious sticking of 20 candles into one slice of cake. Haha it turned out FINE, just so u know. BUT. Mel being mel who so cannot count. I just realized (after counting off pictures on facebook) that there were only 19 candles!! Shit. Jas we’ll light one more for u soon!! Haha. After that jasmine left and small and I shopped around vivo before going off to the east!! Haha went to FORT ROAD. Where I relived the days I stalked X along the long walk to 196 bus stop =D those were the days… then I remembered the times with Y and Z spent at marine parade library! Went there to get in touch with my more intellectual half as I waited for my ride from e class guys. Haha.. headed off to Jevon Babypowder’s birthday party at east coast park after that. Good to see the class again! And ESPECIALLY wonderful to see ah gong =D goodness its been how bloody many years. Ugh. Im the neglected friend after the girlfriend came into the picture!!! *sobs. The hurt……. WAILS* haha =) had a nice long talk with him which got me all emo and thinking. Yes I agree. I have way too many guys in my life for my own good. Sometimes I do wonder what its like to be a normal person with a normal number of people walking in and out of her life. Then u’d get a nice number of deep footprints and not a smooth beach with barely any that leave strong impressions. Then again I’m young and ure only young ONCE. There’s nothing wrong with having a ball of fun and living. But AH GONG. Thanks. Thanks so so much. Cant wait to meet u again, bring ur girl this time yea! Got to know this guy at the party who’s confirmed my belief on CJ people! Haha see, after zhong and muddy, I’m convinced that the F word is a vital part of their dictionary. Any less than 4 uses of THE word renders you not truly CJ output. Zhong Mudds and co. are living proof of this. After Vincent, I rest my case.

Sunday was much ________ eventful. Less or more I’m not sure. Its very much private so minimum disclosure here. But I thank you, my best friend. For being there for me all the time. Even though we’re over, its cool that we still turn to each other and we’re a form of support for each other. Without your ________ that afternoon I’d have crumbled. So we obviously don’t have a love that lasts a lifetime. I have a friend who will.

I’ve started work =) internship at The Ascott Group (read: as-kert). NOT Escort. Common mistake I get a lot these days. The week started out really slack. All I did was just go online to hunt for numbers of certain certain people, like Elim Chew and MacDonald’s Managing Director. But e bomb fell on Tuesday… … I was suddenly assigned the impossible task of getting ____ done. E norm is for 4 people to work on this for 15 weeks. This time its one Mel and 8 weeks to get the same thing done. Been stressing my brains out over this. However, I’m really determined to make sure I don’t screw this up and I do a more than brilliant job at it! Besides this, piles of stuff have been coming up upon me. Simple stuff like “find out how long it takes to get me from Singapore to Paris” to bigger stuff… but I’m not complaining. In this one week I feel like I’ve really learnt a lot.

I’m doing this internship in Corporate Communications, which is essentially the PR of the company. We’re in charge of attracting and influencing the media to write great stuff about us =) its pretty interesting watching and learning what to do and use to get the job done! Been making lots of phone calls and learning what to say what not to, when to, and the lot…

I read the book The Pact by Jodi Picult (pardon me if I misspell her name) recently. Its not particularly engaging if ure looking at its content really, but the way it was written was what kept me going till the wee hours of the morn. I liked the way the author weaved the past and the present chapter by chapter. Its challenging since some ay its hard to keep two stories in your head at once, but that was the idea I particularly liked. The story talked about love, and loss. About how a young 17 year old boy shot his beloved to death. He claimed she longed to die, and as time passed, how she only became happy when she discussed her inevitable death, by choice. It looked at love in an unconventional way and it dealt with the phase of adolescence we know so well about and adults look at with such reproach. It set me thinking about many things. Many things I’ve chosen, whether or not they were for the better.

As you can tell there really isn’t that much to do now at work, since I’m free to the extent that I sit here updating my blog on Microsoft Word before copying and pasting it onto the blog, lest my boss walks past and catches me idling away on blogger.

Okay marketing communications just assigned me a task. Time to get busy.

Till next time =)

hey. its post exams =) finally! sure its meant to be all fun and relaxing and u just chill and all but for some totally random, retarded reason im feelin awfully down and depressed x(

papers have sucked in general.bah uni isnt supposed to be this hard! gross.. after e papers went for lunch w gf + bf =) my 2 current almost favouritest people. BUT the bums BULLIED ME. and LAUGHED AT ME. and MOCKED MY STAMP PASTING ABILITY. all i about 5 min *wailssss. but still! loveee <3

headed to jp and spent damn long in pet safari w gf!this is wad hpns when one has a doggy and the other 3 hamsters haha. then i went to get my nails done! gorgeous =) i think nails are important really, especially girls with long nails! if ure gona keep them long, the least u could do is file them pretty and mayb top some clear coat or a nude shade over them! long unkempt nails are a real turn-off for me (one reason im sure im female) haha then we couldnt resist buying stuff we dont need like more clips n earrings!! haha. i suddenly realised that im so used to ppl givin me earrings that i dont know when was e last time i actually bought myself a pair! (little richkid... ......) after that we both buaytahan and headed back to nua =)

haha. okie why m i depressed. let me think.

post exam depression mayb. e common thing i get after every paper! the NEED to mug is not fulfilled :(

mayb its cos im packin to move out already. my stuff are in suitcases and paper bags and my cupboards and shelves are empty. feeling quite sad. esp if my dearest roomie cant stay anymore and this will be the last night im gona have to worry about someone reachin across to poke me ;) haha <3

of cos there are other reasons. while packin, i came across lots of old stuff i dont give a 2nd thought about anymore. until i found them of cos. then i suddenly realised that people change so damn quickly ure totally caught off guard. hmm maybe they dont change, they merely show a side of them they have kept hidden all the years for your benefit. then u wonder why love had restrictions. what happened to freedom in love and being loved and all that great nonsense.

i wrote a letter to myself a rather long time ago. penning down the fragments of random thought floatin round in my little head made me realised i loved someone that didnt exist. i was in love with a person purely fabricated by Mel. she played the scenes in her head and everything went perfect in her little world inside her head. then the jolt back to reality. :( oh f*ck, he isnt real.

this exam period, im way way slacker than i was this sem.. disappointed in myself. mel mel, u have 6 sems while everyone has 8. if u want ur first or second upper. ure gona have to work for it. what happened to the girl who got miserable and cried when she got a friggin B+. if she saw the pathetic state ur revision was in, she'd be ashamed. yes dont come tellin me its over and its no point cyin over spilt milk. this is reflection. let me reflect. BAH.

this exam period i've been a hermit. north and southspine readin rooms, pretending im crammin tonnes of knowledge into my brain when alot of the time im stoning. this whole sem in general has been packed full of backtoback activites. and i realised ive almost totally had no time at all to talk to my friends who matter. other then the sweet random phone calls, the drivin to my hall to say hi and chat, the random emails and phonecalls from QLD and LONDON!!!! =D ive been so far away from everyone. my sydney gang :( my girls frm bball :( vj nballers :( my close friends from rj :( my random random close friends :( i miss all of u terribly. really i do. ive tried to arrange and plan to meet people in e day and night from tmr till next next mon when i start work, but NUS doesnt finish papers till 5th may (SMALL!!) or sth :( yes im whinning. but im miserable. and im going to cry. so let me bloody. whine.

someone said a particular friendship i have is weird. friends dont criticise nor have no faith in each other. i'd love, trust, and have ur back at any time and i do care a great deal. i just wish, sometimes it'd be a little different.

im pretty sad about something that isnt quite workin in the right way. its headed in odd directions and we cant see light at the end of this tunnel. its time to look for a bend in the road and hopefully we'll come out better. it was a screwed start but im suddenly wonderin which side has lost faith before the other.

how come that many people still come here? why do that many people bother visiting a stagnent blog. oh well. i probably will start blogging again. soon. after the exams of when i feel stressed out and in need of release. but i may move. its been said i change a blog add when i change a boyfriend. well then this would be the time for a closure.

but for now.

we'll see. its complicated.

didi and i have broken up. after 3 yrs+ its over. this time i think know it really is.

im putting it up here. so i dont have to repeat it to everyone a million times. whoever is reading this may not understand some parts but thats cos ure not meant to. others who are supposed to will.

there is alwys the age and army issue. after calculation. he will enter army AFTER i graduate. so its a working girl and a fresh enlisted boy. how e hell is that gona work out? i dont think i dare wait till then and experience it and end up breaking up from a 6 yr relationship

quarrels. honestly, we quarrel about 3x a week or so. and its been this way for months. any logical couple would understand that CLEARLY, its not really working out. sure we do the whole "last quarrel. no more alr ok :)" but who are we kiddin its been this way for 2 yrs 10 months at least.

breaking up. everytime we quarrel, he goes "okay fine lets just break up" its very hurting, really and its very very sad that he gives up and walks out so easily. of cos after that theres the whole get back tgt cos he didnt mean it. but what if we do get married? get a divore and get back again? i dont want to live life that way.

friends. his friends and i are of a SERIOUSLY different frequency. really. really bad. i cant describe it.

different lifestyles and expectations in life and in the future. he wants a stay home and help with business wife. im not like that. i'll end up being more career minded and spending more time in e office than with him or something along those lines

dying feelings. lack of time. communication. happiness. etc. whenever we see each other we're unhappy. within half an hr sometimes. its so so damn sad. we try to make it work when we meet but it just doesnt. and we're alwys irritated w each other such that its been a long time ive truly felt happy with him

ARMY. do i really really love him enough to go thru 2 yrs w/o him? will i really not meet someone else? will i be able to love him throughout when im working? i dont want to go through the pain of it and realise no. sigh

TOY. its been 2 yrs i know. wtf right, get over it mel. but i cant. its still a big wedge between us. i think of her all the time and i dont trust him the way i used to. he picked her when i trusted him the most and when i least expected it. he went to a new shcool and met new friends. i said it was good to go have fun with his class and make new friends in school so life is interesting. yea he did that. and ran off with the bloody ij girl. e betrayal was. unbearable.

involvements. nuff said.

i know 3 yrs is frigging long at 19. but people change. we were perfect for each other at 16. i swear nothing could have torn us apart. but we grow up sometimes and growing up could mean in different directions. and when there's nothing else to hold on to. mayb its time to let go.

goodbye

Hey everyone

what can i say suddenly. been ages since i last said anything here. and heaps and heaps have happened. lets just skip it all till random times i feel like blogging then i will.

feel like saying something about a really special luncheon i had yesterday. got a random call one afernoon inviting me to attend an informal lunch session with the associate deans of the business school. they never mentioned what it was about and what i was to expect. of cos everyone speculated and drew random conclusions, what did something horribly wrong, deans list, kicked out of school, all came out haha but none of them were true of cos!

e moment i stepped into e room and took a look around, i realised that this was no random selection of students. everyone here was somebody. it was then i felt like a total nobody. around me i see loads of familiar faces. RJ students, nanyang scholars, GPA 5.0 friends, ABC members, club presidents, etc. left me wondering what e hell i was doing there with the elite. whoops! then again, e fact that i AM there must mean something right? later on, i also found out that everyone there had a pretty respectable GPA. now we know who e smarties are in school. now its no wonder i felt outta place huh. im not extremely smart, nor am i a big part of any club or commitee like those people! im just mel really.

in that session, we discussed school policies and semester 1 stuff. especially then intership and attachment we'll be doing after yr 2. after e session, i felt different. up till now, i still feel different. being there gave me this confidence in my future. hearing stories of success of fellow nbs undergrads reminded me how likely i was to make it one day. it also reminded me that i have to take the initiative to go out there and grab what i want. before it gets taken by fellow uni undergrads around e world and in singapore. its inspired me to apply for and read up on stuff i normally would simply delete frm my ntu email.

all along i felt that being a sports person was kinda useless. sure it granted me a very respectable 2.4km PB, and it made me make many new friends and such. but it was only until yesterday i learnt how useful it actually is on a CV. sports people are tough. our mental strength endures days and days of intense competition in the playing field. a basketballer has the ability to work under stress with a team, and as the controller, ive learnt to read the movements of others and predict their next move, then make the call to bring e team forward.

i thought i was nobody. but prof ___ told me that to be standing in that room speaking to him, i am somebody :)