hey.

this is complicated. suddenly, the someone we all thought we knew. turns out to be the exact someone we pretended he never was. was it that we were both blinded by emotions, whether or not justified. if u set expectations too high, u only leave urself to be disappointed, and indeed, he was one to disappoint. i guess the fault can lie with him for not meetin them, or with us for not being realistic. he is just another guy. what makes him any more morally upright and decent than any other. its really showed me how we can all see things in a certain way, simply cos it makes so much logical sense and it all fits into place so perfectly u never have any reason to doubt any of it. yet, if u just twist it a slight bit, there's a whole new logic within the logic u dont originally see.

sometimes. people get to know each other. and they hit it off, call it sparks, chemistry, stupidity, whichever u like, we all generally know that feeling, some experience it more than others thats all. then when sparks start diminished, attraction starts fading, u find that the person aint anything that amazing afterall. yet another, predictable one. i dont like predictability in a guy. doesnt it make them dull? randomness is attractive. excitement is attractive. mystery is attractive. not keepable, but attractive.

u know this exchange thingy i'm going for, has really showed me and friggin turned on the spot light upon who really matter. yea there are people i speak to so so often. and there are others i meet once every three years (yes, dont doubt it, its YOU i'm talking about.) but the thing is, there's a compulsion to ask important people out and make sure i take a good look at them and have a nice chat with them before i spread my wings. and often, i realise they dont really fall into the first category of people i mentioned. surprising? i dont know. mel meets so much of the unexpected she doesnt quite know what to do with them anymore.

and i think my organisation is getting to me. i have this odd urge to mess something up. like totally fuck one thing up so bad that. i'm happy. haha yes i dont make any damn sense at all i know. to hell with logic i say. goodness. just last night i sat there, waiting for R to reply my texts as i had been all day and i randomly felt too at peace. (gf: all my inner peace thing is working obviously. and i hate it. screw peace *sets something on fire) yeap. so i felt too at peace, i felt sure something was wrong. i was really going mad inside of my head and i was so damn peaceful i was damn restless. but it was 4am on a thursday man. couldnt ring someone and declare ITS TIME FOR SUPPER. go get a lift down to east coast to run about in the breeze. i felt so trapped somehow. yes this entire paragraph wasnt logical. nevermind. btw, whoever u think R is, he's not.

one thing for sure. ive proven something to myself this week. i'm not ready. really. obviously. unfortunately.


*insert mood swing* okay not feeling so crappy now. lets talk about more happy incidents.

i dont know whats with my random spending. really. spent $150 on toiletries. $30 on random daiso items. all in about a day and a half. haha im amazing. convincing myself they are necessities. yes dear, the art of self-delusion. so anyway. i fell in love so many times in 3 days.

there's this beautiful pair of nine west high heels in satin hot pink. they are to die for and they dont kill ur feet much. i'm in love. but i'm poor.

i totally want a hot red lipstick. think Chanel Rouge Allure #60, think MAC A58. think Gwen S think Christina A. yea. that's the red i'm talking about. tried one today. but im wondering, if i wearing the boldest and more confident shade at 20, what the hell will i wear at 35? damn

i should be asleep right now, since there's lunch with paul and harddisk shopping w alvan. im really looking forward to tmr. its gona be great. i havent seen paul for awhile and he's awesome to talk to. he's funny and silly and i enjoy it. alvan. how can u not love alvan <3 then im having my swedish friends over for dinner at my place before heading out to double O. while its awfully exciting havin them around and all. its also tragically sad. cos this is for sure ur last meal together, the 3 of us. at least for a long time more. they fly on sunday, 6am.. and i wont see them both together for a long time. oh well.