It would be nice to be home, but I don't miss it. Simply because I live in the moment and I make the best out of it. So I don't long to be home, but I know its a wonderful place to be. - My friend, Elazar!

i'm a million miles from home. somehow this has translated to a closer friendship with some, and truly a million miles with others. how time flies and three months have gone by.

when ure on an exchange, it more than just "studying abroad". i am experiencing and i want to learn. not just learn how people in italy live and how expensive cannes is and how punctual germans are. but to learn, live and grow. to see the same thing in a different light. to hear the same words but understand differently. to step back and look in.

travelling in the past was something "people do", something "people enjoyed" and i couldnt see whats so awesome about it all. the Last Supper was just a painting, the Berlin Wall, nothing but a wall. a memorial? not more than a stone slab with some carvings and fine gold inscriptions. but somehow, something moved, something changed, something opened up. after 3 months straight of extensive travelling and barely any studying, feelings set in and standing on a castle is no longer standing on stone. i stand and i'm absorbing. reading this sounds blasphemous i would agree. but absorbing is about the only word i can think of to describe it. sensations enter my mind and self and u see details of the attraction in a new light. helps that lovely europe is a continent rich in history and vibrant in its present state, with much to offer anyone who happens to stop by.

one line from an old old friend in london dropped the bomb right on it. he was puzzled, why i lived life hiding and allowing low or no expectations to be formed about me and the work i do. when there are no expectatons, there are no disappointments, and no matter what i do, it will amaze. its time to stop being small and allowing others to have no expectations of me. this limits me terribly and reduces any potential growth. alora, not anymore. its past the age where i bend over and hold my head low in the shadows. head held high, eyes shining, brain working. watch out world, its my time to shine.

hey.

this is complicated. suddenly, the someone we all thought we knew. turns out to be the exact someone we pretended he never was. was it that we were both blinded by emotions, whether or not justified. if u set expectations too high, u only leave urself to be disappointed, and indeed, he was one to disappoint. i guess the fault can lie with him for not meetin them, or with us for not being realistic. he is just another guy. what makes him any more morally upright and decent than any other. its really showed me how we can all see things in a certain way, simply cos it makes so much logical sense and it all fits into place so perfectly u never have any reason to doubt any of it. yet, if u just twist it a slight bit, there's a whole new logic within the logic u dont originally see.

sometimes. people get to know each other. and they hit it off, call it sparks, chemistry, stupidity, whichever u like, we all generally know that feeling, some experience it more than others thats all. then when sparks start diminished, attraction starts fading, u find that the person aint anything that amazing afterall. yet another, predictable one. i dont like predictability in a guy. doesnt it make them dull? randomness is attractive. excitement is attractive. mystery is attractive. not keepable, but attractive.

u know this exchange thingy i'm going for, has really showed me and friggin turned on the spot light upon who really matter. yea there are people i speak to so so often. and there are others i meet once every three years (yes, dont doubt it, its YOU i'm talking about.) but the thing is, there's a compulsion to ask important people out and make sure i take a good look at them and have a nice chat with them before i spread my wings. and often, i realise they dont really fall into the first category of people i mentioned. surprising? i dont know. mel meets so much of the unexpected she doesnt quite know what to do with them anymore.

and i think my organisation is getting to me. i have this odd urge to mess something up. like totally fuck one thing up so bad that. i'm happy. haha yes i dont make any damn sense at all i know. to hell with logic i say. goodness. just last night i sat there, waiting for R to reply my texts as i had been all day and i randomly felt too at peace. (gf: all my inner peace thing is working obviously. and i hate it. screw peace *sets something on fire) yeap. so i felt too at peace, i felt sure something was wrong. i was really going mad inside of my head and i was so damn peaceful i was damn restless. but it was 4am on a thursday man. couldnt ring someone and declare ITS TIME FOR SUPPER. go get a lift down to east coast to run about in the breeze. i felt so trapped somehow. yes this entire paragraph wasnt logical. nevermind. btw, whoever u think R is, he's not.

one thing for sure. ive proven something to myself this week. i'm not ready. really. obviously. unfortunately.


*insert mood swing* okay not feeling so crappy now. lets talk about more happy incidents.

i dont know whats with my random spending. really. spent $150 on toiletries. $30 on random daiso items. all in about a day and a half. haha im amazing. convincing myself they are necessities. yes dear, the art of self-delusion. so anyway. i fell in love so many times in 3 days.

there's this beautiful pair of nine west high heels in satin hot pink. they are to die for and they dont kill ur feet much. i'm in love. but i'm poor.

i totally want a hot red lipstick. think Chanel Rouge Allure #60, think MAC A58. think Gwen S think Christina A. yea. that's the red i'm talking about. tried one today. but im wondering, if i wearing the boldest and more confident shade at 20, what the hell will i wear at 35? damn

i should be asleep right now, since there's lunch with paul and harddisk shopping w alvan. im really looking forward to tmr. its gona be great. i havent seen paul for awhile and he's awesome to talk to. he's funny and silly and i enjoy it. alvan. how can u not love alvan <3 then im having my swedish friends over for dinner at my place before heading out to double O. while its awfully exciting havin them around and all. its also tragically sad. cos this is for sure ur last meal together, the 3 of us. at least for a long time more. they fly on sunday, 6am.. and i wont see them both together for a long time. oh well.

have you ever had a convenient friend? someone u were only close to cos she happened to be there. when u needed her, she'd always be there. even when u brush her off or u treat her unkindly, she would always, always be there for u.

ever wondered what would happen when she realization smacked her on her head?


to L. thank you for your sense and maturity. for sure u're right, u cant approach someone the same way u did in the past when u guys were close now that ure not. i wonder what else u try to say with that. its not restoring we need, its rebuilding. u cant build a one way friendship. if its just one way. maybe its not worth the effort. im beginning to think it fricking isnt.

obviously, with a 1030 presentation, i should well be asleep by now, 530 am! but no, here i am.

so much has happened in 2 days. i met a girl. yes, this time its a girl. no, i'm not quite lesbian yet either. its complicated of cos, as it always does when i'm involved. i've learnt so much from her that has done so much for me. disgust, amazement, envy, anger, devastation, confusion, awkwardness. there was a certain release after conversing for so long with her. i saw L in a different light. maybe he ain't as awesome as we both believed he was. i look at him and i no longer see a model of perfection, i'm not as much blinded to his faults staring at me in the face.

so G, thank you.

A lucid dream is a dream in which the person is aware that they are dreaming while the dream is in progress, also known as a conscious dream. When the dreamer is lucid, they can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can be extremely real and vivid depending on a person's level of self-awareness during the lucid dream.

I was randomly revising for my exams, and just thinking about L as I so often do, then suddenly I wanted a certain something and just thought of closing my eyes again to look for him. It studdenly struck me so forcefully then, the reason why i'm often late for school. More than once, when the alarm rings, I wake and suddenly realise i've lost him. And there's this crazy irritated denial that turns off the alarm and sends me back to my lucid dreams to look for him. I'm good at controlling and remembering my dreams, so I always find him. I always find him waiting just where I got dragged out of the dream. I'm so happy doing what I've alwaus wanted that I forget about going to school. This has always existed somewhere in my little brain, I just never acknowledged it. Now I shall. I shall attempt to stop floating back into my dreams just to see and be with and love. Welcome back to earth and reality mel. Or better still, look forward to going to Milan. Remember your theory on distance vs closeness of the friendship? For all you know, you'll become best friends once you guys have a million miles between you :)

When my granny's show on TV played, I had my dinner while watching it. Suddenly, this actor appeared with a side profile that matched that of a particular asshole i've been unfortunate enough to meet and know. All of a sudden I was gripped with fear, the same fear from not so long ago. The same fear I felt sitting at the edge of the stairs. Sigh.

I seriously think this whole staying home on a saturday is so not for me. I'm your regular outdoor kid. The indoors bore me and the lack of sunshine dampens my feelings and makes it all gloomy and dull for me. I seem to have lost the will to smile and as my tears fall between sheets of Why We Work notes, I'm reminded that my day dreaming and lucid dreaming is really. really. stupid. But I thank the friends who've been around whether through calls or smses, especially those who've actually driven down or wanted to drive down to take me to supper or dinner or just to send donuts over. You guys make my day, remind me that i'm loved by all of you and challenge me to get over this skinny nut and move on with a big fat smile on my little face. Thank you

i cant keep going on this way. this random going nuts in my head. random outbursts take me nowhere. and they hurt poor didi.

gf said "mad season". i agree.

was with didi today and randomly burst into tears. alot of tears for a really long time. on the pretense of gettin something i sprinted to his door. just being by the door made me better. stopped crying, composed myself and walked back.

this is spastic. how is it that we were actually rather close when we were so far away. and now that we're practically neighbours the distance seems to have grown hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

jojo said to let go. i cannot live in the memories. whether wrong signals were sent, they were so long ago anyway. which is true, since gf said "if it were cos of you, you wouldnt be like that right now" so yes, suddenly it all makes sense.

when i gave u the pink flower, the note said to call when u were not angry and ready to talk to me again.

its been many weeks. its been nothing.

i know ure awfully happy and honeymoon mood, so maybe friendships ought to take a back seat. this is probably one thing didi n i alwys quarrelled about, how friendships dont take that back seat...

/ponders..