if you ever thought it was hard leaving one person you love, try leaving 39?

i swear e pain nearly killed me.

this morning. HOD of science said she talked to e other HODs and agreed that i could stay in term3 till i went to uni. i was like "yayy. i have a job. i can see my beloved kids." but i didnt FEEL thatttt elated. guess i hadnt realised how much this job meant to me.

my last lesson ended at 10am. (ok typin this, i feel sad all over again but hell.) anyway. after lesson. i said my very last "thank you class" to them, knowing thinking that i would come back. i didnt cry but i did get a little tears in my eyes. they gave me lotsa letters and notes of love and gratitude and sadness and misses. then i released them for recess and went to the staff room. when i came out to join them, valerie suddenly sprinted to me and hugged me and sobbed and sobbed and she kept asking me to stay and telling me she didnt want me to go and that she loved me loads. i started to cry. wondered if i shuold tell them i would come back after all. went to e canteen where my loves waited. they were eating my cookies and tellin me how well i could bake (they can lie pretty well apparently) haha. then i took photo with each of them. they all looked really sad and some were crying. heartbreaking. after that. they queued up in a line and each took turns to hug me for the last time.. i tried to smile even though my eyes were filled with tears. (dont ask why i cried when i thought i was coming back) so i went through e day as normal. till 1pm. after my last lesson...

i went to back up to go off to meet didi. was just preparing to leave e staff room when overall HOD came to me. she told me. that they appreciated my willingness to stay in term 3. but the schoool had adjunct teachers and could not keep me. she explained that MOE paid for adjunct teachers but the school paid for relief teachers. they needed to save money. so their plan was to use the adjunct teachers already in school. meaning they would let whoever was free take my class for whichever periods possible. i cant believe they would do this to my kids. how would you feel if english was taught by 3 different teachers. just cos they "were free". sense of belonging? closeness? nothing.

after i was told i broke down. totally broke down. hurried out of school, tears streaming down, barely breathing. quickly found my way to didi before i collasped. i sobbed and sobbed for a really long time. think it was more painful than some of the break ups ive gone through. i realised i didnt even say goodbye properly bcos i thought i would come back. sure i hugged and kissed and took pictures. but e feeling was wrong. i feel bloody sad now. heart brokened. it wasnt just sad..sad... it really really hurt. heartbreakin kinda hurt. it was only then i realised how much i had grown to love the kids. how much the girls now occupied my thoughts and so much of my everyday life. my days were spent planning lessons for them, activities, etc. now. its empty.

some of the stuff they've said:
"ms tan, how come no body wants us. we all very stupid ah? must be.."
"ms tan, i know we are selfish but can u dont go school (NTU) and stay in marymount."
"ms tan, i am very touched by your words on the card. u make me feel gooder. can u dont go?"
"ms tan, i am home now and i am crying. i miss u so much already. its not fair. why did u have to go..."
"ms tan, :'( im really sad and miserable. like lost already"
"ms tan i feel lik i have no one in the world except mummy. then ms tan came and i had a real friend. and now ure going too. everyone will go away. just like my daddy." (her dad passed away 3 years back)

now u know why im heart brokened... :'(